Fear at Heart

The emergency services were on red alert. No vehicles were allowed to pass from the point at side of the main highway. They said to the group that if they really wanted to climb the volcano, they would have to take the 10K walk from that point and that they were going to be on their own up there.

The band of youngsters decided to conquer the Pacaya Volcano.

After long hours of walking up the road and passing silent little towns, they finally got to see the main peak of the volcano. They camp there. The night was really cold and the lava spitted from the top of the angry giant illuminated the night.

The sun came up and they did too. Packed everything and walk toward the worst place to be in that moment. The Pacaya was so sandy and so vertical that, sometimes, they had to crawl their way up. And they all felt how the constant earthquake that tried to discourage them from their goal.

But they made it.

The group reached the top of the volcano and stood there for a few minutes. The gases were uncomfortable to breath and there was little water left for all of them, so they started their way back down.

And then it happened. They got lost.

The emergency services said that a group of foreign tourist were already lost at the volcano but they thought it was a sad attempt to stop them from conquering the Pacaya. Well… now they were thinking that it might be true after all.

They prayed for an hour, more, less. And suddenly a dog appeared up there. Out of nowhere. Passed right in front of the group and kept walking.

The group followed.

And after they got to the nearest town to Pacaya, the dog disappeared.

I was like ten years old then and that was my first volcano adventure.

I’m thirty three now and I’m in fear.

John Eldredge doesn’t know this, but he opened my eyes. Well, God did it but John was ophthalmic instrument.

I live in fear now. Constant fear of being a failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of darkness. Fear of crime. Fear of violent people. Fear of being caught sinning. Fear of being defeated by sin. Fear of financial crisis. Fear of not becoming the pastor God wants me to be. Fear of not being the husband my wife deserves. Fear of being more ill that normal. Fear of not being ill. Fear of work. Fear of rest. Fear of my boss. Fear of my coworkers. Fear of the debts. Fear of not having debts. Fear of having kids. Fear of not having kids.

Fear of fear.

I remember reading something a lot of years ago about a guy who climbed Everest. Hi was asked why he did it and the response was simply this: ‘Because it was there.’ You know, man were not made for Everest… but Everest is there so it must be conquered. It must be climbed. It must be defeated.

Sometimes, I feel nausea just because I’m in fear. Sometimes I feel nausea because I feel fear of feeling nauseous. Sometimes I feel like I’m at the end of the rope and the rope is weak. Sometimes I see a crack and can’t help imagine myself falling down there and freezing to death all alone. Sometimes I feel like there’s no air at all.

Today is my 33rd birthday and finally, after two weeks of finishing my ‘Wild at Heart’ reading, the right questions rose from my heart: Why the fear doesn’t seem to go away? Why do I feel it all around me? Why do I feel like it’s always in front of me? Why do I feel it in my hands, my stomach, my eyes? Why do I keep fighting for air? Why do I feel so much cold sometimes? Why do I get dizzy? Why is this battle taking so long God? Why does it seem like adventure was exchanged by fear, God? What are we doing God?

Silence…

And then…

We’re climbing Fear, He said.

I wasn’t made for Fear… but Fear is there. Fear at Heart. And it must be climbed. It must be conquered. It must be defeated. I’m Wallace. I’m Maximus. I’m Leonidas.

If I can give you an advice today is this: Read ‘Wild at Heart’. You will be amazed of the man who God made you in the first place.